All At Once

So much has been happening but I’ve had no will to write.

Then all at once I’m dreaming of you and I have to write. I have to remember the way you look when you laugh from below me. The way your eyes light on fire before our lips meet. The warmth of your chest beneath my hands. I need to remember it.

I’m wearing your worn-out, faded black tshirt that smells like you. I’m wrapped up in your navy blue sheets. I’m in your lap and your arms. Encased in love. Your lips press to the corner of my mouth and we laugh. I kiss you on the mouth. A chaste kiss full of more than I can imagine coming from something defined as chaste. I tell you how I always dreamed I’d be there, know the color of your sheets, how it felt to lay my head on your pillow. A confession that flames my cheeks. And our hair is haphazard and wild and we just lay there and laugh and it inflates your ego more than it should. But it doesn’t matter because I love every part of you, even your ego. We talk like we’ve known each other for years for as long as I can keep you.

And it’s not full of sex or lust. It’s not ‘fuck me’ or ‘I want you so bad.’

It’s silly and fun and comfy and love.

It’s how I want it to be forever. Wake up with a laugh and a kiss and bedhead. Spending rainy days wrapped up in sheets, making blanket forts and ordering take out. Days where we don’t say a word, just look into each other’s eyes and kiss and breathe each other in and silently thank God that we found it.

I feel like I found it, especially when I have dreams like this. Dreams where the ease with which we communicate and envelope in each other and mix and flow is just so clear to me.

It’s so perfect. So perfect and not mine. You’re not here and I’m not there. I don’t have any of your old tshirts and I don’t know your smell. But God, I could’ve lived inside of that dream for the rest of my life. It was that happy. That flawless. That full of everything I want from you. That gut wrenching to wake from.

I love you.

I can go days and days without reminding myself of how much. I get distracted by school and life and boys who treat me horribly.

But all at once, I know. I know. I know.

I know.

I love you. I know.

Lead me to where I need to be. Lead me to your love. You already have all of mine.

Sweet dreams,